The physical healing felt like it took longer than it should have. I just laid on the couch for days unable to do anything. My parents helped around the house and tended to my every need. The cats slept next to me every night at my feet.
It was so hard seeing Jacob heartbroken. He had prayed to be a dad for so long. It tore me a part to see him so hurt and angry at the situation. I felt like it was my fault, because it was my job to take care of our baby. It felt like I had failed as a Mother. The doctors told me it's wasn't my fault, but as the mom carrying that baby, I always felt that guilt. Like there's something I could of done better. I went through every decision I made while pregnant and critique it. "I shouldn't have ate that. I drank too much of this. I pushed myself too hard that day. I lifted over 30lbs. that day..." It goes on and on. I had insomnia from my medication so I would lay awake wonder what I could have done differently. Doctors, friends, family, they all reminded me it wasn't my fault. But those what ifs stuck with me for a long time.
My body went from being a mother, to not within just a few hours. That stung. From having every decision you make affecting the tiny human you're creating, to no longer feeling like you even have a purpose anymore.
Filling the void was impossible. There was no way to replace our baby or get something that would even remotely make us as happy. I'm a saver and I hate spending money. But about two weeks after the miscarriage I went through a phase of just wanting to spend money all the time. Food, clothes, unnecessary things, movies, anything really. It was very frustrating as we had a huge medical bill coming but no baby, and I wanted to spend money. I tried finding other ways to cope. The thing that ended up helping the most was staying busy. Whether being with friends, working my business, or being out of the house getting fresh air. If Jake and I would sit alone too long, we'd fall into a depression and end up crying with each other. It was hard to be a rock. When Jake had his rough days, I had to pull out all my energy and any bit of hope for us and try to show him that. We each had hard days, and some times on the same day.
The Lord's Hand in all things
While this has been the hardest trial of my entire life, I saw so many blessing within it.
-Connie (my mother-in-law) coming to the ultrasound. Since she was there, she was able to contact my mom right away and let her know the news. Because of that, my parents were able to get up and leave within an hour and be present at my surgery.
-Connie coming to the ultrasound x2. Connie was able to comfort Jacob right when we found out. I was in complete shock that I couldn't even think or function correctly, much less hug and comfort my husband.
-Connie coming the the ultrasound x3. When the nurse gave us the options of what we could do next, I was still in shock. The nurse said we were welcome to go home and think about it which is what I thought we should do because I honestly didn't know what to do. But Connie asked, "what's the soonest we could get her on the schedule?" They tentatively put me on the schedule for a D&C for the next day at 3:30pm. If I would of went home and called my mom, by the time she would of advised me to do a D&C as well, the office would of been closed and I wouldn't have gotten a surgery time until probably Thursday or Friday.
-Dr. Adams. When we went in the morning of my surgery to sign paperwork, Dr. Adams came in the room with open arms and hugged me while I sobbed and sincerely told us he was sorry. He also sat me down, looked me in the eyes, and told me I did nothing wrong. That I couldn't have done anything different for a different outcome. I may be biased, but I really do believe having an awesome doctor can make these types of situations much more bearable.
-A possible mistake. When you sign the paperwork, you acknowledge that things can go wrong. One thing Dr. Adams brought up was the possibility of puncturing the uterus. I remember him saying, "I'm pretty good at what I do, and I can't remember the last time I did it, but it is a possibility I have to warn you about."
While I was in surgery, (which only takes 15-20 minutes), Dr. Adams took my mom, Jacob, and Connie into a room and let them know he thought he had punctured my uterus. He needed permission to make incisions on my stomach to take cameras in from other sides to double check his work. It took a long time for him to get back to my family after that, and of course they were worried. ( I was asleep thank goodness and did not have to deal with this stress/worry at all.)
Turns out I just have a big uterus. The typical uterus is 10 centimeters, and mine happens to be 13cm. So while he was checking his work and not feeling any tension back, he thought he might have punctured something. All in all, Dr. Adams is a very thorough doctor. And I'm grateful he double checked his work.
-Dad sat down. My dad cannot, repeat, CANNOT sit down and relax. He has to get up and be doing something. Especially when he is not in his own home, he really struggles just sitting and enjoying a moment. But during recovery I begged him to stop cleaning the apartment, and to sit down and watch Shark Tank with me. And he did.
I Lost my Child
Some days I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to be a complete mess. To break down and miss our child. Because I did lose a child. I felt that loss of life. And it HURT. It hurt more than words can ever describe. But time can heal. We aren't fully healed, and I don't think we will be until we're reunited with our baby. However, we are getting better. Each day has gotten better.
If someone you know has miscarried, I recommend sending a card with comfort. We had so many cards with thoughtful words and it eased the pain. Just the acknowledgement that we had lost a child was what I needed to hear.
Talk with them when they're ready to talk. Listen as long as they're willing to talk about it.
Get them out of the house when they are physically healed. Lunch or shopping or even a mani/pedi day.
If you miscarried, you aren't ever alone. I'm here to say it does get better. It feels like your world has completely shattered in front of you, but it will get better. Allow yourself to feel every emotion. There is nothing wrong with being angry, depressed, and heartbroken. Get out of the house when you can. You won't want to go. It'll be hard. You'll have to force yourself. But it'll help your body and mind refresh and heal.
We are so grateful for the gospel in our trial. To know that we will be reunited again. And that there is no better place for our child to be right now than in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father. Eternal families do exist. And It makes me try a little harder every day to be a little better.
Thank you again for everyone's kind words and comfort. We couldn't ask for better friends and family to help us through every step. Thank you again.